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1997-04-16
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From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@EARN.UCONNVM>
Subject: Henry Cate III with your Monday morning coffee!
Six men are sitting in a bar:
The first man says to the second, "You know, I have a 150 I.Q."
to which the second man says' "Oh really so do I. What do you do?"
"I'm a Knobell prize winning Physicist," said the first man.
"So am I..."said the second, and they went on with their conversation.
Hearing this the thrird man turned to the fourth and said, "Youknow, I have
a 100 IQ" To which the fourth man replied "So do I, what do you do?"
"I am a college Professor"
"So am I..." and they went on with there conversation.
Finally, the fifth guy at the bar turns to the last guy, wipes the foam off
his face he just burped up, and says, "You know, I have a 30 IQ"
To which the last man replied "So do I, what band do you play with?"
----------------------------------------------------
In this morning's (Wed 9-May-1990) Salt Lake Tribune, there appears a
cartoon showing a guy with a magnifying glass examining the lips of a huge
George Bush face, and the dialog bubble reads:
I'll be darned... You're Right!
All along he has been saying "No GNU Taxes"...
(And it includes a picture of a gnu, the African antelope (Connochaetes gnou)
kind...)
The author is "Bagley".
----------------------------------------------------
>From Joyce Lain Kennedy's employment column in the Dallas Morning News,
an "ad which reportedly appeared in a paper in Fairbanks, Alaska:"
Part-time engineering or business student to follow illiterate steel
superintendent and do his paperwork. This man is too valuable to
fire and too old to teach. Extremely patient person required.
Should be over 19 years old as duties may require going into local
bars. Applicants should be ugly and mean.
----------------------------------------------------
On a bracket around the license plate of a chevy...
"Friends don't let friends drive Fords."
----------------------------------------------------
True story (from an interview televised on CNN)
the chairman of British Petroleum was asked how BP managed to avoid all
the adverse publicity that could have resulted from the oil spill off
Huntington Beach. Implication was, how come you guys didn't make asses
of yourselves the way Exxon did. Answer: It's very simple. You know
what has to be done and you just go ahead and do it BEFORE the lawyers
have a chance to get involved !!!!!
----------------------------------------------------
There are three ways to get to the top of a tree:
1) Climb it
2) Sit on an acorn
3) Make friends with a big bird
----------------------------------------------------
So this computer scientist is like a real uptight guy, uncomfortable
in his own skin, has a hard time relating to people, you know the
type, right? So he's in a bookstore, see's a book called "How to
Hug", so he thinks yes, this could really help him. So he buys it,
takes it home, starts to read it, and damn it if isn't volume 8 of an
encyclopedia!
----------------------------------------------------
>From: gay@venice.SEDD.TRW.COM (Lance Gay)
Subject: SCRABBLE: An example of a high-scoring game (SPOILER)
The following example of a SCRABBLE game produced a score of 2448 for one
player and 1175 for the final word. It is taken from _Beyond Language_ (1967)
by Dmitri Borgman (pp. 217-218). He credits this solution to Mrs. Josefa H.
Byrne of San Francisco and implies that all words can be found in _Webster's
Second Edition_. The two large words (multiplied by 27 as they span 3 triple
word scores) are ZOOPSYCHOLOGIST (a psychologist who treats animals rather than
humans) and PREJUDICATENESS (the condition or state of being decided
beforehand). The asterisks (*) represent the blank tiles. (Please excuse
any typo's).
Board Player1 Player2
Z O O P S Y C H O L O G I S T ABILITY 76 ERI, YE 9
O N H A U R O W MAN, MI 10 EN 2
* R I B R O V E I FEN, FUN 14 MANIA 7
L T I K E G TABU 12 RIB 6
O L NEXT 11 AM 4
G I AX 9 END 6
I T IT, TIKE 10 LURE 6
* Y E LEND, LOGIC*AL 79 OO*LOGICAL 8
A R FUND, JUD 27 ATE, MA 7
L E N D M I ROVE 14 LO 2
E A Q DARE, DE 13 ES, ES, RE 6
W A X F E N U RE, ROW 14 IRE, IS, SO 7
E T A B U I A DARED, QUAD 22 ON 4
E N A M D A R E D WAX, WEE 27 WIG 9
P R E J U D I C A T E N E S S CHIT, HA 14 ON 2
PREJUDICATENESS,
AN, MANIAC,
QUADS, WEEP 911 OOP 8
ZOOPSYCHOLOGIST,
HABILITY, TWIG,
ZOOLOGICAL 1175
--------------------------------------
Total: 2438 93
F, N, V, T in
loser's hand: +10 -10
--------------------------------------
Final Score: 2448 83
=========================================================================
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@EARN.UCONNVM>
Subject: Henry's April 1 delivery is a day late - NUTS! :-)
Wasn't it Mark Twain who remarked that America has only one distinct criminal
class, the Congress? Now, what percentage of the Congress is made up of
lawyers. Just chance?
----------------------------------------------------
"Being in politics is like being a football coach; you have to be smart
enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important."
Eugene McCarthy
----------------------------------------------------
Kohl: "Will we complet German Unification?"
God: "While you are in the office."
Bush: "Will Double deficit be gone?"
God: "Not while you in the office."
Gorby: "Will Perestroika be successful?"
God: "Not while I AM in the office."
----------------------------------------------------
Picture a robot on a psychiatric couch:
Doc, my intelligence may be artificial, but my problems are real.
----------------------------------------------------
Did you hear the one about the bull who swallowed a bomb??
Oh, I just can't tell it to you!! It's abominable.
----------------------------------------------------
There are three flies in the kitchen...which one's the cowboy?
The one on the range!
There are three flies in the bathroom...which one's the hippy?
The one on the pot!
----------------------------------------------------
Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously;
and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
-- Booth Tarkington
----------------------------------------------------
A photographer from a well know national magazine
was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the
fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke
was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it
impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos
from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements
were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where
a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport
and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with
his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung the little
plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three
low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he
responded, "and photographers make photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered,
"You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
------------------------------------------------------
Scenario: woman with a toothache reluctantly visits her dentist
woman: Gosh, Dr., I don't know which I hate the most; undergoing
dental work or having a baby!!!!
dentist: Well, make up your MIND, Lady!!
I'VE GOT TO KNOW HOW TO ADJUST THE CHAIR!!!!
----------------------------------------------------
This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any
cookbooks. While you are preparing the food, and after the guests
have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably
enough to get at least two smoke detectors going. Then you go rushing
about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and
generally doing everything short of calling the fire department. Let
the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of
opening the windows) and serve the food. By this point, you have
established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to
exceed!
----------------------------------------------------
"The meek will inherit the earth--if that's OK with you."
That reminds me of a quote from oilman J. Paul Getty:
"The meek will inherit the earth--but not the mineral rights."
----------------------------------------------------
>From _Access to Energy_, June 1990 (without permission, but excerpted only):
The Competitive Institute (Washington D.C.) announced an
energy conservation award to M. Gorbachev and delivered it
to the Soviet Embassy on May 1. "In recent weeks Mikhail
Gorbachev has reduced Lithuanian oil and gas consumption by
over 80%," stated CEI president Fred Smith. "These
unprecedented strides in energy conservation, accomplished
in what by Western standards is an incredibly short time,
demonstrate the importance of looking beyond our borders for
new ideas on how to save energy..."
----------------------------------------------------
Once the father of the warlord visited the son at his headquater. The
warlord told his father if he wanted anything just pick up the phone
and talk. The warlord then went to do his business and left his father
alone. Wondering what gadget the telephone was, the father picked
up the phone and said:" I want a bottle of wine." A minute later a
bottle of wine was sent in. "Oh, it seems so magic! I'll try once more".
This time a fried chicken was ordered. "Wow, it's really magic! Why
not bring this to home, so I can enjoy whatever I want."
Without being noticed, the father left, with the phone.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@EARN.UCONNVM>
Subject: Those who check email on weekends won't have to wait until Monday :-
I have a sign that should be in every retail store...
Prices subject to change according to customers attitude
----------------------------------------------------
There is a Martin Mull joke about finding a wonderful book
tittled "GIRL to GRAB", and then discovering it was volume 6 of the
encyclopedia.
----------------------------------------------------
Dave Ten Eyck of Anniston, Ala., was injured recently after he attempted
to replace a tubelike fuse in his Chevy pickup with a .22-caliber rifle
bullet (used because it was a perfect fit). However, when electricity
heated the bullet, it went off and shot Ten Eyck in the knee.
----------------------------------------------------
Charles Erickson, 65, won $95,000 in a La Crosse, Wis., trial in March
because a 6-inch clamp was left inside his body after a lung operation.
Erickson said he had not planned to sue, but then Lutheran Hospital sent
him a bill for the subsequent operation, which was soley to remove the clamp.
----------------------------------------------------
I heard that Edward (father of the H-bomb) Teller volunteered to go on
national television and eat as much plutonium as Ralph Nader will eat
pure caffiene.
----------------------------------------------------
Using the resources of the wholly fictional Galloping Poll Service,
"Computer Systems News" has come up with a list of useless pieces of data:
1. 56.7 percent of all high-technology industry investors believe what
a company's accountants tell them about the state of the business'
financial health.
2. 75.2 percent of all high-technology industry investors believe what
"The Wall Street Journal" tells them about the state of the business'
financial health.
3. 80.1 percent of all high-technology industry investors believe in
the Easter Bunny.
----------------------------------------------------
A horrible law suit:
>From the Chicago Tribune, 6/8/90.
"NAPLES, Italy(AP)--...the claim [for damages] involves an accident in March
involving a medium-sized Regata and a tiny Panda car...The young man claimed
he and his girlfriend were engaged in amorous activity in their car when the
large car hit it from behind. The impact momentarily made them lose control,
resulting in pregnancy...The suit demands compensation for the cost of
repairing the Panda and the cost of the wedding the couple decided to have
after discovering the woman was pregnant."
----------------------------------------------------
When asked by the prosecutor why the defendant shot the
other guy (the alleged assailant) six times in **self-defense**,
he replied;
" I ran out of bullets, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
Has anybody read the warning message printed on the back of those
little foldy-uppy cardboard thingys that you put in you windshield
to keep the car from getting too hot when setting in the sun? On
mine, it says
"Warning: Do not drive your car with the sunscreen in place.
Remove sunscreen before starting engine."
No wonder I have been having so many wrecks lately!
----------------------------------------------------
They had a vax that would hang at random times. The DEC people
were out once or twice a month, but couldn't get it to replicate
the problem: by the time the found the problem, they'd replaced
almost every board! Turned out that there was a pretty small
piece of metallic gum-wrapper inside the cabinet, that was blown
about by the fans until it shorted a (random) pair of pins, bringing
the machine down. Of course, when they turned the machine off and
opened the doors, the wrapper settled on the floor out of sight...
----------------------------------------------------
From inveterate contributor Jim Day (JimDay:PASA)
Los Angeles Times, May 11:
If aliens from outer space landed in Los Angeles they'd probably go
unnoticed, no matter how bizarre their appearance. Their main problem
would be finding a place to park. That could explain why a parking lot
in northeast Los Angeles has spaces marked ALIEN 27, ALIEN 28, etc.
Even odder is the fact that the lot is at a city animal shelter. Has
Los Angeles been invaded by poodles from Procyon IV? Actually, the
parking spots have been rented by employees of the TV show Alien Nation,
which has a production office across the street. Or is that what THEY
want us to think?
----------------------------------------------------